Oscar Pistorius

I haven't made any comments about the case because none of us know what happened and without peculating as to whether he is guilty or not of premediated murder it would be wrong for me to form an oppinion.

At this early stage of the investigation I would perfer to keep my thoughts and oppinions to my self.

Chapters from LOOK ME IN THE EYE

The things you find on the internet ! If you would like to read a couple of chapters from my book LOOK ME IN THE EYE you can find them here. Although my book is no longer available in stores here in South Africa someone told me the other day that she got a copy on Etsy, who would have known. I believe you can also get them on Amazon second hand books.
But if you can't find a copy we still have stock. Click on the PAY PAL button on the right.

My story is just one of thousands, women all over the world have contacted me in the past 8 years and the similarity of our stories is astonishing. The most wonderful news for you, is that one day, you will get your life back, you will be happy and he will not even be a memory in your distant past.

There was a time in my own life when my ex was second to God if not sometimes first, he no longer features in my thoughts, my conversations or my nightmares... he has ceased to exist. I share my story not to make money from my troubled past but to shine a light for those still in darkness and denial.

Help !

In the past 8 years I have read almost every single book there is to read on healing from an abusive relationship and I have searched as much as possible on the internet to understand why anyone would want to abuse another person, even though I have been guilty myself.

The guilt I have for the way I treated my children at times kills me. I know from first hand experience that when we are trapped in abusive relationships we are so busy trying to survive ourselves that our children are often on the receiving end of our neglect or our inability to protect them against witnessing the abuse. There are even times when we may abuse our children as well. Please don't get me wrong I am not a violent person at all but during the 25 years of my own abuse there were times when I took it out on my children. I consider myself to be EXTREMELY patient and it takes a lot for me to lose control... but there were times when I did lose it and looking back I am so sorry for some of the things that happened. My children have forgiven me, they knew what I was going through and they have also apologised for pushing my buttons when I was going through so much at the time. They didn't need to ask for forgiveness... we were all victims.

Thank goodness I have educated myself and done everything possible to understand the relationship between he abuser and his or her victim which is why I try to share as much information as I can with people who go to my website and those of you who come to my blog.

For some more info please click on this link.

Narcissism Revisited

Dr Sam Vaknin wrote the forward in my book and had I not discovered his book Malignant Self Love 8 years ago I would never have understood the two men in my life who were Narcissists. I have a link on my website to Dr Sam but I found this site today and I thought I would share it with you. There are several very interesting videos with Dr Sam himself as well as other Psychologists who understand this condition. You can find the video's here. I would suggest that you take the time to watch them they are very informative.

So often holidays and special occassions like Birthdays are completely ruined by the Narcissist watch the video by Dr Sam, he explains whay they do this.

 

Be kind to yourself this Christmas.

Day Sixteen

Imagine that life is a journey from A to B and it is one loooo..ng road. You and I both know that the scenery changes on route and sometimes the journey gets a little boring and sometimes things don't go well and we might take a wrong turn.
Without a map and signposts we are likely to get horribly lost. Sometimes we might be forced to take a detour because of road works ahead, we might stop for lunch or sleep over somewhere, but one thing is for sure we are going from A to B.
Life isn't any different we have good experiences and bad, we meet nice people and those who we wish we never had. We make mistakes along the way but if we are going to get from A to B emotionally strong we have to look carefully at all the decision we are making along the way. At any point in the journey we can reassess if this is in fact where we want to go and if not we can make plans to change course.

The thought I want to share with you today on the last day is this. To know where we want to go we need a very real picture in our minds. When we make time to collect photo's, write quotes and do anything that will make the picture clearer in our minds we then have to prepare the way forward for that journey.
There is nothing worse than being told you are going to a destination that doesn't excite you. Imagine that your thoughts are the vehicle that is going to get you to where you want to be and you are the driver. You have to recognise when the vehicle is going off track, taking you on a journey of negitivity, fear, anxiety and YOU have to steer it back on the right course.
I have learned very well in the past 7 years how to do that. PTS was killing me and memories tormented me for years. I had constant nightmares and anxiety hit me hard throughout the day. When I learned how to retrain my mind and the journey it wanted to take me 24/7 I made conscious choices how to take my mind in a different direction.
1. I journalled a lot in the beginning about what I had been through but then I changed the content of my journals and started to write about what I wanted for my life and my family and I would get really excited about it. I cute out hundreds of photo's from magazines and pasted them into my journals.
2. I stopped looking at old photo's. My ex husband destroyed all my photo albums but I still had a lot some on my computer. I put them into folders and made my self a promise I would not look at them for a year.
3. When I found myself getting depressed and sad I paid attention to what exactly it was that I was thinking and I changed it instantly, by reading something positive, changing the TV chanel, listened to the music I liked and consciously took me mind on a dirrent path.
4. I had many years of sleepless nights and didn't ever think I would return to normal. I went out and bought books with happy stories and read for at least an hour before sleeping. Slowly I could feel my brain beginning to change the direction it had always been on, read up on Neurolinguistic Programing I mentioned it yesterday. IT ABSOLUTELY WORKS. Your brain doesn't have a clue what it is doing half the time, you have to drive it to where you want it to be. You have to direct it with your INTENTIONS. Read spiritual books of your choice they will redirect your thinking.
5. I strongly recommend that you learn to play a game on your cellphone which is what was recommended to me by a trauma counsellor I saw in 2011. She explained that when you can't stop thinking or worrying about something, like for example if I said, don't think of a pink elephant, immediately you will think of it. Playing a game on our computer or cellphone cuts off the neurological path way to the pink elephant.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE DRIVER BEHIND YOUR THOUGHTS  Of course if you are in the middle of a crisis, you will have to think about it... survival will demand your attention, but then you have to steer your thoughts towards LIVING FREE of this constant danger.

I hope these 16 Days of Inspiration have helped and motivated you to take control of your life and helped you to see and believe there is another way of living unlike the way you might be living right now.

My earnest prayer is that anyone who comes to this blog, will be blessed and that God will help you to seek the answers you are searching for and that He will give you the courage to take the first steps to the future you deserve.

Love Caryl
If you would like to contact me you can email me at carylw3@mweb.co.za

Day Fifteen

 

 

 

Derek Rydall is an actor, song writer, script writer and so much more. He is also the founder of the program THE LAW OF EMERGENCE. I thought I would share some of his wisdom today. We all know about the Law of Abundance from the well publicised book The Secret. Derek has a different theory and that is that with the Law of Abundance we are always coming from a position of lacking in the things we really dream about and wish for in life.
THE LAW OF EMERGENCE is about having everything we could ever want and finding ways to prepare the conditions that are perfect for us to receive and manifest what is in our destiny.
I highly recommend that you go to his website and read up on this, it all makes perfect sense and I believe it could change your life.
I am working with his program at the moment and of all the modalities I have studied over the years this makes the most sense to me.
When I saw this picture above on a website today it made me think of exactly what he teaches, we can pull ourselves up from the inner core of our being and live the lives we want and deserve, leaving the old self behind and becoming who we know we really are.

 

 

 

 

Day Fourteen

This is either the best time of the year or the worst, for some. Well I would imagine that if you are here, then the Christmas holidays could possibly be quite stressful. I know it is hard and I honestly know how tough it can be pretending that everything is fine when it's not.

During my very abusive marriage  and over the Christmas period, I was never being truthful to myself. I always had hope that things would change and that the New Year would be different but it never was. This is usually the time of the year when we put ourselves under pressure. We have worked through one year and have huge fears that the New Year will be more of the same.

Be kind to yourself and treat this as your own special time. Of course there is a lot going on around us, but deep down within your soul focus on being positive. Believe that you have what it takes to be happy and that the future is in you hands. Be the bigger person by doing all that you can to keep the PEACE.

Buy yourself a lovely diary and write beautiful, inspiring quotes throughout your diary every day if you can. Don't allow yourself to think negatively, be hopeful that this too will pass and don't skimp on your VISION for the future.

Oh and one more thing, do you know anything about NLP, if you don't please try to make some time in the New Year to read up on it. It will change your life and the way you perceive things.

xxx

 

 

 

Day Thirteen

One of my many passions is reading, though I am not fond of reading fiction. My fascination has always been for autobiographies, true stories of adventure and self help and healing books. I am quite sure I have read a good 90% of self help books, starting in my late teens with the book The Power of Positive Thinking, which has deep roots in my psyche.

As a troubled teenager my father paid for me to do a Dale Carnegie course which included How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, How to Win Friends and Influence People and a course in Public Speaking. He made a bargain with me, if I finished the course he would pay for it, if I didn't, I would have to pay him back... I finished the course and won two Public Speaking awards, which I was very proud of. Who could ever have known how many times in my life I would be called on to address an audience and eventually become a public speaker!

The How to Stop Worrying and start living principles have remained with me throughout my life. One thing I remember vividly is standing in front of an audience much older than myself with directors of companies. We were asked individually what we were worried about? Strange how nothing ever changes. Fear of not finding the right marriage partner, not having enough money, not being able to get out of debt, not being able to have children, not being able to find a job.
We all seem to worry about the same things. We were given strategies to overcome those fears and when all else fails I am reminded of that time in my life.

I have read all the books like, Why am I afraid to tell you who I am, Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars, Your Erogenous Zones, The Four Agreements, Love Addiction, Women who run with wolves, Co- Dependent no more, The Cinderella Complex, and and and.
I have listened to hundreds of Dr.Phil and Oprah programs. I have been on many workshops, Inner Healing, World Alive,  How to Love the Life you are Living, Family Constellations, Hypnotherapy, Psychologists and and and. I have enjoyed meditation and sound baths all this over a 40 year period. Of course there were benefits in all those books and workshops or I doubt I would be here today, BUT if there is one thing I know for sure.... as Oprah would say... Change begins and ends with ME.

For many years I was depressed about my parents divorce, my mothers drinking problems and emotional distance, my step fathers abuse, my troubled teenage years, my abusive husbands and my own fear and loneliness. But I had more power to manage my life and choices than I could ever have imagined.

My views may not be the same as yours, but I will share them anyway. I truly believe that life is just a journey of lessons I chose for myself. We all have a different path to walk, different dreams and expectations and within the framework of what we want in life so we will be presented with the challenges in order to succeed in what we want, much like the person who wants a streamlined body has to go through heavy training to acquire the body, of the picture on the fridge! Nothing comes easily. Not a perfect body, perfect marriage, successful business or happiness. We work at it.

One thing I have always done and I am so glad I did was to read and re read positive quotes. We are what we think we are, so storing quotes and scriptures in my heart has been an essential tool for surviving all the tough things I have been through.

ADVICE: Avoid asking advice from anyone who hasn't been there. Do the work yourself, read what will strengthen your faith, talk to a professional person or share with someone who has survived and is thriving.
Meditate on a Life of Abundance and DON'T think you don't deserve it.

Day Twelve- Gratitude

So often we spend so much time fighting and struggling to get through 24 hours in the day that we forget to be GRATEFUL. I thought today I would share Valerie's art work which is always so inspiring. This is a perfect example of how to focus on the good things and to have a positive VISION and attitude for the future.
If you are not artistic don't let that stop you from creating your own vision and affirmations. Cut out pictures from magazines, write quotes and stick them on your desk. Keep focusing on what you do want and not on what you don't want.
GRATITUDE IS A MAGNET THAT ATTRACTS ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE.

 

Day Eleven

For most of you who visit this blog, I am quite sure I am a lot older than you possibly and I hope a little wiser looking back on my own journey.  I want to share with you the importance of being Grateful for all your life experiences, they are leading you into a wonderful place of growth, self acceptance and self love.
Many people around the world have been through the most terrible childhood, they have had everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and yet they have come out on the other side strong, successful and beautiful people.  I want to encourage you to read autobiographies of people you admire, written between the lines will always be messages for you to help you on your journey.
Could you contemplate for just a moment that you are were you are today because of your own choices and in the choices we have made we are learning our greatest lessons. Try not to see those choices as one big disaster but rather  the opportunity to say.... I am learning a lot and I am grateful for the lessons.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made and there is a purpose for your life and your experiences, ask God to show you how and where He wants to use you, that you can be a Blessing to others.
Don't see the locked door of a victim but rather the open door to wonderful opportunities in the future. What is your vision for your future? Do you even have one?

Make it your mission to have a vision for your future, keep a journal and cut out pictures, write quotes collect anything and everything that will make that vision a reality.  

Day Ten

One of the greatest gifts anyone can give to you is ACCEPTANCE. Think about this. No one in history has had or ever will have your finger prints, no one will ever have your DNA... now digest that for a moment. If that doesn't make you believe in your uniqueness, fearfully and wonderfully made, than I don't know what will. That is amazing information.
Now that you know this is true, how can anyone anywhere in the world be you? So, you have a contribution to make into this world, the world needs you, your experience and your love, don't throw it away.
Abuse is nothing more than a lesson, that we have chosen. When we spend our entire energy thinking about what someone else is doing to us, we miss the opportunity of growing into everything we are meant to be. If we can just stop for a moment and ask ourselves the question...not he is doing this or that... but rather... what am I supposed to be learning in all of this?
When we can ask that question we shift the energy of defensiveness into the energy of openness. Why would anyone want to spend their lives protecting themselves, holding back, shutting off, shutting out? You know that you deserve more. To receive love you have to be willing to give it and how can you give it when someone is abusing you.

My message to you today, is to ask the question, 'what do you think you deserve?'. Write down 10 things that you think you deserve in a relationship, and then ask yourself, 'Do I honour the people around me with the same love and respect that I expect from them?'
If you can answer yes to that question is it possible that your lesson is to say NO to the people who don't honour and respect you in the same way. Only you can bring about the change.

Love and respect the person you are, if you have done and said things you are not proud of, ask for forgiveness and don't forget to forgive yourself, but don't live with guilt it will destroy relationships.

Have a happy, loving day :o)

Day Nine Surviving

Surviving is a silent protest against injustice.

 

Create a life that is worth living you deserve it.

In the past 20 years I have known many women who were in abusive relationships, so I can speak with experience :o) I wish you could meet some of those women today. They made choices to end the abuse and have subsequently remarried and are living very happy peaceful lives.

To mention just a few of them so that you will relate to how tough it was. One particular lady I am thinking of, her husband finally did her a favour and left her, or should I say he abandoned her, leaving her homeless, in debt and with two small children. Today she lives in a beautiful mansion with the most magnificent garden, roses and waterfalls, with a husband who adores her and two very happy children. The only thing missing for the children is news from their father. He left the country and no one has heard from him since.

Another person I know was in a violent relationship. Her husband eventually burned their house down. She was pregnant with her second child and from the moment she had her baby it was time to start a new life. Today she is married also to a wonderful man who loves her, respects her and is kind to her children. They have everything anyone could ever want in life but most importantly she is safe and so are her children.

Person number 3 was married to an agressive emotionally abusive man who neglected her and their two children. Today she is married to a man and has been for almost 20 years. Many years ago we shared a flat together and we were both as poor as church mice. Today she is married to a wonderful man. She has a wonderful life, 3 sons one of them with her second husband and life has been extremely good to them all.

 

Focus on what you want and reach for the stars, you will find they are not as far away as you believe.