Day Six

December is supposed to be Festive and a time to look back on the year and be excited to meet up with family and loved ones to Celebrate Christmas, but statistics show that break ups are high during this time of the year and I don't know why. I have my own ideas about that. Throughout the year when we are struggling with an abusive relationship by the end of the year we are emotionally exhausted. During the year there are brief moments of separation which is a relief. Sometimes we are able to talk to family or friends about what is going on, but in December we are often forced to spend more time than usual with our abuser.

As women we have romantic ideas of being loved, admired, and respected and Christmas often high lights the truth, we aren't loved and respected. We have to spend time with other people who look happier than we are and reality hits us in the chest.

Spending a lot of time together when there are children is hard work in December and we are already feeling emotionally empty.

Don't slip into the big black hole. Look at this time positively and reward yourself with how far you have come. Make a decision to do something every day that makes you happy. Walk on the beach if you are going to the coast. Walk in the country do everything you can to take a walk and breathe.
Believe the possibilities of your dreams and don't give up.  Decide what you are going to do with your life and put the plan into action. Think about the New Year with enthusiasm. The only thing that can and will defeat you if you let it, is your own mind.

December is a time to reflect and a time to plan for the future, don't miss the opportunity.
Try your best not to engage in heavy drinking. Keep your head about you.
Most of all BE KIND to yourself.

Journals

 

 

 

These are just a few journal pages from some of my journals. I literally have dozens of journals. Some of them are bought and  I use them to write how I am feeling or what I am thinking at any given point in time, others are art journals that I make, where I might write something I am thinking at the time or I might just write a quote, all depends on my mood.
Eezy Peezy Journals

Day Five: Why Journal

How long will it take?

In the past 7 years I think that is the one question that I am asked over and over again.
How long will it take to get a restraining order.
How long will it take before the divorce is final.
How long did it take you to get over X person, or how long did you fel depressed, in pain etc.
How long will it take for me to meet the right person.

We all want to know how long things take. My example has always been, stitches are removed in 10 days, a bone takes 6 weeks to mend, a head ache can take 20mins with medication but a broken heart can take for ever.

Thoughts create feelings and feelings cause reactions and behaviour so we need to really understand what we are thinking. There is so much information on the internet about changing the way we think, but I am not going to talk about that here. One thing I have done for many many years is to keep a journal.
Think about it, our minds are filled with thoughts and who knows if what we are thinking is the truth? One way of checking to see if what you are thinking makes sense or even if it is the truth, is to keep a journal. So often when we write our thoughts down we are able to see things from a different perspective.
Try not to spend hours and hours of wasted time and energy talking to people who have no idea of what you have experienced and even if they do, they aren't qualified to tell you what decisions to make or how to feel. You are the best person for that job.

The point that I am making her is not to answer how long it will take for legal matters to be resolved, I have no idea, but when it comes to the question how long will it take to heal the past, my answer would be that is entirely up to you. Journaling is a wonderful way to get insight into your own mind and feelings which is why I always recommend journaling as part of your healing process.

For some more information on keeping a journal you can click on this link.
Write about the things you can remember about your childhood and your parents.
Write about your feelings and what people have done to you both good and bad.
Keep a record about your therapy sessions and the insight that you get from reading, progams you might watch on TV, things people might say, most important are the aha moments you have when you are writing.
Highlight all the positive things.
Write quotes on pieces of paper and put them on your fridge, bathroom mirror, next to your bed.

FOCUSING ON THE RESULT THAT YOU WANT AND NOT ON WHAT YOU DON'T WANT

Day Four Journey to the Temple

She knew it was time to take the JOURNEY TO THE TEMPLE which was deep in the forest. Surrounded by nature in all its glory and the presence of God.
Kneeling quietly she asked God to remove her anger wipe away her tears and reveal to her why she could not find true love and acceptance.
He asked of her first to write down what people have done to hurt, harm and disappoint her. She sat for a long time writing down every detail from what she could remember. He then said..'there is more'.
She found it hard to remember everything but slowly she wrote what she could recall. When she had finished writing God asked her to take the paper and place it on the alter where it began to burn.

God asked her to breathe deeply, to quiet her mind and heart and begin to write down everything she had ever done to hurt and harm someone else, even when it wasn't intentional. No if's no but's. She began to write and the page filled with memories, words spoken, reactions and behaviours flooded her mind and her heart began to ache and the tears began to flow. God said..'there is more'.
One page turned into three and then four... and God said, 'when you finish, place those pages on the alter, which she did and they began to burn.

He wrapped His arms around her with Love that filled ever cell in her body and said,
"when you leave the Temple  go back into the world, you are free of guilt and condemnation and the chains that bind you have been removed. Guilt, anger, fear, distrust and unforgiveness will no longer be a part of you. You will know the the Truth and it will set you free."

 

Day Three

The Journey

 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice,

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with it's stiff fingers

at the very foundations.

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night.

and the road full of fallen

branches stones.

But little by litte.

as you left their voices behind.

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do...

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

Wounds

Forgiveness is a choice

This isn't a very good picture but you get the message.

FORGIVENESS !

For anyone who has been abused this is really a hard one. I am a Christian and I know that my faith teaches me that Forgiveness is an essential requirement and one that I wrestled with for a long time. The very thought of forgiving the people who had caused me so much pain aroused extreme anger in me.

 

I have had to forgive many people in my life. Some who were directly responsible for my abuse from childhood right into adulthood and some people who worsened my pain with their judgment and criticism. People who I had never even met had strong opinions of me.

 

The only think that I can share is that FORGIVENESS takes time and people do need to be held accountable for what they have done. It is difficult to forgive someone who shows no remorse and hasn't owned up to the damage they have caused, but if we wait for that day it may never come and that is the sad truth.

 

Forgiveness is a choice we make, not for the other person but for ourselves. Begin with saying...I am willing to FORGIVE. When we make that statement we open up our hearts to a new way of thinking, a new way of responding and a new way of feeling. Unforgiveness and anger go hand in hand. Forgiveness and Peace do the same.

Day Two

I did say that this would be 16 days of inspiration, but on the Dr Phil show today was a program about a young woman named Logan which I think is important for me to share. It is important for us all to educate ourselves as to the shocking things that happen to children that we cannot ignore.

Day One

16 Days of Activism against Women and Child Abuse

Well, I will be posting for the next 16 days to inspire those of you who are locked into the cycle of abuse.

For the past 7 years since I wrote my book I was on my own personal journey to heal. So often we don't give ourselves time, to work through some of our own choices and how and why we ended up where we did.

Someone said to me this morning... we chose the wrong men, then she asked, or did they chose us. In my humble opinion we weren't sitting around like flowers in a flower shop waiting to be picked, we also make choices and have to take some responsibility when things didn't turn out quite the way we expected.

Men who abuse women have often come from abusive backgrounds and why they don't chose to be different is beyond my own understanding, but we also chose them and for very similar reasons. Many of us grew up with abuse and witnessed fathers and step fathers abusing our mothers. Then why didn't we chose a different path, surely one would think that the signs are there from the beginning? Did our mothers deserve what they went through? Did they stay longer than they should have? Did they protect us as children or did they also expose us to the trauma of their dysfunctional relationships? We know the answer to that. They too were victims.

I am not crazy about the word VICTIM it implies that we are helpless and often that is true, but there certainly are times when we are not. Domestic Violence breaks down one's confidence and our faith in the future and in ourselves. If we are ever going to change the course of our own lives we have to take some responsibility.
1. We have to accept that we made some huge mistakes. Believed the lies that were told to us but even when we knew the truth we didn't do much about it.
2. We have to think about our own lives, what we want, what we deserve and how we are going to achieve those things.
3. People don't pitch up on the doorstep to rescue us, we have to find ways to rescue ourselves.
4. We need to surround ourselves with people who DO understand what we are going through, or have been through. BUT we must be careful not to get stuck in pity parties. For a while we need shoulders to cry on, but sooner or later WE have to make the next move and put one foot in front of the other.
5. We need a plan. From my own experience by the time my own marriage was over I hardly had the strength to get out of bed, let alone plan for a safe and happy future. Try not to wait until it gets that bad. Spend time with someone who cares about your future and together start planning for the future. Leaving an abusive relationship often doesn't happen over night, but as long as we have some plan in place as to how we are going to end the abuse, we have taken the first step.

There is plenty of information on my website concerning how to GET OUT SAFELY from an abusive relationship, spend some time on the site searching for the information you need.

TIME TO THINK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE AND YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU HAVE THEM.

If you need to ask any questions you can email me at carylw3@mweb.co.za I will how ever not be responding to any emails after the 10th December 2012.

More information, click on this link.

Life is a journey

The only thing that is really bad and final about LIFE... is DEATH. People are all here for a time, a season and a reason. Doing the best they can even when other people think they could and should be doing more.
We aren't here to judge or criticize another persons journey or choices but rather to try and help them get to where they want to be. Every criticism is a stumbling block to their success.

Think about that.

Success Story

I love success stories. This man contacted me some time ago admitting that his behavour had been inappropriate and he needed help. I referred him to a therapist who I have seen myself and she is excellent. I sent X an email to find out how he was doing and this was his response.

 

 

Hi Caryl,

 

Thank-you so much for your email. I am fantastic. Therapy with Ann-MArie has been intensive but so worthwhile. I have overcome so much and by the Grace of God have put my demons to rest. I no longer feel anger, bitterness or any other negative emotion. It truly has been a tough but incredible journey. I have also become a reborn Christian which has helped me on this personal journey and I can only say miracles have happened and continue to happen. I am loving life and for the first time in many, many years I am happy and at peace with the world. I work on myself intensily everyday and make a daily commitment to never go back to where I was. I have truly let go of my past and no longer suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... When I do have the occasional very, very minor wobble I have the full spectrum of tools to deal with situations. I am truly blessed to have gone to Mural and to have "met"you. I talk to men on a daily basis and help and encourage other men to learn to be better husbands, fathers, sons , friends and brothers.

 

I hope one day to meet you and thank-you in person for the nudge in the right direction.

 

God bless, XXX

 

My book

 

TO ORDER THIS BOOK CLICK ON THE BUY NOW PAY PAL BUTTON
(At the top of the page in the right hand margin)

PRICE $24 includes shipping.

SA $165 excluding postage
Contact: carylw3@mweb.co.za to do an EFT

What about the children

For the past 7 years I can honestly say that 99.9% or the people who contact me via email from my website www.abuseisnoexcuse.co.za , contact me to ask for help in someway for themselves. But sadly recently I have been receiving emails from different people who are extremely concerned about either their own children or the children of a family member.

Where do we begin to help these innocent little people? There was a terrible article in a local magazine recently from a mother whose daughter and grandchildren are trapped in an extremely abusive home. The grandmother was pleading for help before it is too late. The story she told about her son -in-law was horrific.

Soon after this article was published I someone contacted me with a very similar story. She was agonizing about what she could do to help. Fearing not only for her daughter but her grandchildren who are exposed to the abuse.

When my children were very small I often tried to keep the abuse silent, from friends but more importantly silent from the neighbours. I was terrified that if they reported what was going on in my home that my children would be taken away from me. This is a huge problem. The mother is in such trauma herself and fearing for her life that she often clings to her children for her own comfort if not for theirs. If the children were removed from the home she knows that the abuse would escalate because 'he' is likely to say..."and it is all your fault". The abuse is likely to get worse and who knows were it could end up.

Mothers are terrified that their children will be put in foster care which might come with a whole lot more problems. Children being brought up in homes with foster parents who shouldn't be fostering in the first place.

People will ask... How can she do this to her children? For their sake she needs to leave. If it was that simple she would have left long ago. So what are we to do about the children?

My daughters are all grown up and thankfully they are more together than one would expect after being raised in such a dysfunctional homes. They have all been in therapy which has helped them tremendously and we have been through some rough patches when they have not been very understanding towards me and have blamed me in some ways for the trauma they went through. It has been extremely hard, but I always understood that they were children and needed time to work through everything themselves. Today we are united as a family of girls, but what about when they were younger? What could I have done differently to save them from all the violence and excessive drinking. I don't believe I could have done much more than I did.

What are we going to do about the children we know are in abusive homes? Do we sit back and wait for something really bad to happen or even sit back knowing that these children are being traumatized every single day by what they are being exposed to?

Please if you have any thoughts on this please leave your comments.

For My Children

Adele,
Thank you for sharing this poem with all those who follow this blog.

For my children

 

i cringe from the memories you left
the things you made me see
a tiny body
an innocent
you sought to destroy
to break me
to reign me in

i had failed to protect them
from your malice
i had failed to protect myself
from your hatred

my children
forgive me
my daughter
i tried to stop him

my soul
i'm sorry
for bending you
beyond breaking

i will confront him
i will stand in front of judge and jury
and his golden face
will make me a lair
but i know
that in my home
you live like kings
and you fear nothing

no more
will i lie awake,
and wonder if i will live through the night
never again
will i sell my heart so cheap

and as alone i may be
a cold bed
or worth more
than warm grave

i had been married to an abusive man
he tried to kill my kitten to teach me a lesson
she is alive and healthy, and living like a goddess in my home

abuse is real, and the only way it will end, is if people become involved, dont avert your eyes, dont turn a deaf ear. you can save a life.

Dr. Sam Vaknin

Recently I received an email from someone in Canada. Not uncommon but the WARNING was. Let me explain.

In 2005 when I was busy getting divorced from my husband of 13 years, 15 by the time the divorce actually went through, I was in a place that I call hell on earth. This was my 3rd marriage and the second abusive one. I had everything materially but I had no understanding of why I had married two abusive men without realising right from the beginning. Well I did, but that is all in my book, which incidental you can still order from me if you want a copy.

During the divorce I did every single thing possible to find out more about Domestic Violence. I wanted to understand the victim and the perpetrator. I went on line daily and searched websites for information and in the process I came across a book called MALIGNANT SELF LOVE written by Dr. Sam Vaknin. His website had every single thing I ever wanted to know about NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Co-Dependence, and much more. I bought the book and believe me when I say FINALLY after two abusive step fathers and two abusive husbands I found all the answers I had been searching for. NO therapist had ever told me about this NPD or even suggested that I was married to men who were Narcissists. Being narcissistic is one thing, being a narcissist is something quite different.
I contact Dr. Sam and told him I was writing a book and asked him if he would write the Introduction which he agreed to do free of charge.

The email I received recently was from someone who had been on my website and she contacted me to warn me not to get too close to Dr. Sam as he is a psycopath. I reassured her that he lives in Macedonia and I live in South Africa so there was little chance of me getting close to him. I also explained my connection to him and how incredibly helpful he had been during my long ordeal to escape for good from all the abuse I had experienced throughout my life. This person gave me a link to this interview with Dr. Sam and I thought I would share it with you, for you to make up your own mind about him and his knowledge of NPD. I hope that you find the same breakthrough that I did and many others who I have referred to his website.

http://www.couragenetwork.com/videos/view/interview-w-sam-vaknin-scholar-and-author-of-_299.html

Food for thought

The one who fears him the most, is the one who he favours, because that is the person who he can control.

When we sometimes wonder why certain people cannot see through the abuser, his charm, his lies.... we need to ask ourselves does this person fear him and his power? If not fear his power are they taken in with his charisma and his public persona?

So when the abuser is able to continue life, as though nothing was wrong and and other people he might be involved with are charmed by him, try to remember that abusers have to control their environment and the person who they can control will be their favourite person in the moment, be they client, friend or girlfriend.

* We refer to 'him' because for the most part it is men who we are referring to. That does not mean to say that there are not women out there who do not manipulate in the same way.

Public Ignorance

I have been watching a program on TV about a woman who murdered her abusive lover. Please DO NOT ever think that I condone murder, but this is 2012 and we still are dealing with people who know nothing about what it is like to live with an abusive partener.

In this case the defendant was telling the jury that she had been anally raped by her partner on the night that she killed him. The prosecutor asked her why would she wear a thong if that were true. I missed that part that was mentioned about her wearing a thong. The victims defence attorney asked her why she had never reported any kind of domestic violence before? She had received treatment for a broken arm which she claimed was his doing, but she had told friends that she had slipped and fallen. The defendant was also asked why she stayed with her abusive partner and why she kept going back to him if he was so abusive? She responded that she had been been abused as a child and was used to abuse. The prosecutor asked her, 'well if that were true, then why would you want to stay in an abusive relationship?'

I get so angry when I think that the general public and the legal firms that represent their clients, still don't understand domestic violence. In this case there was no psychologist brought in to explain why women stay, or why a woman would still wear a thong if she had been raped, for goodness sake!

Yes she is guilty of murder. Yes she was guilty of losing control and she should face the consequences of those actions.... but until we recognise the extenuating circumstances we will continue to punish the real victim. Of course there will continue to be those women who use the 'abuse' angle when trying to minimize their guilt in the crime of murder, which is why we have to SPEAK OUT about abuse to our friends, to anyone who will listen.

I put myself in the shoes of the mother of this man who was killed and I too would wonder about all the claims of abuse, especially if I had never seen or heard any claims that my son was abusive to previous partners. I would also wonder about the statements of the accused. There are 3 sides to this story as usual and what is the truth? Until we speak out, during the abuse and not after, thousands of abused women will sit in prisons for defending themselves.

Read the article yourself and form your own conclusions. Please don't think that I cannot see through some of the holes in her story but do I believe she was a victim of emotional abuse, yes I do. Do I think he should have died absolutely not. But the nature of abuse is that both parties need each other for it to continue.

Coward or Hero

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS.

The story of Thomas Darling –  Was he a Coward or Hero.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Recently I watched a program on television, Alan Cummings a British actor was on his quest to find out more about his grandfather who seemed to have died very mysteriously during the 2^nd World War. His mother and grandmother knew that he had died with a single shot to the head, but that is all they knew.

Alan wanted to find out the reason and made enquiries as to whether anyone who might have known his grandfather may still be alive. Through the Burma Star Organisation a man by the name of David Murray was contacted and Alan arranged to meet with him.  David now 89, spoke highly of the man he had come to know as Thomas Darling, when David met Thomas he was a decorated sergeant. David  a 2^nd Lieutenant and therefore Thomas’ senior, said that Thomas was a very likable chap, much admired and highly respected as the back bone of his battalion at the time. David told Alan the story about when he and Thomas fought against the Japanese when Thomas was severely injured.

During the war Thomas Darling was sent to India. The war in that part of the world was treacherous in the jungle. Thomas Darling was a sergeant  in the British army and in a battle in Kahema(sp),  400 British soldiers were in the front line fighting the Japanese, when all of a sudden the ground beneath them seemed to open up as they walked straight into an ambush, the shrieks and  loud noise made by the Japanese was apparently deafening, he said he would never forget it as long as he lived. In the battle 105 soldiers either died or were seriously injured, Thomas Darling being one of them, he was admitted into hospital in Dehra Dun, India on the 18^th May 1944 with serious injuries from shrapnel, mortar or a grenade. He was then moved to another hospital in Deolali almost 1000 kilometres away near Mumbai where he stayed for 2 months before returning to duty, but in his official records there seemed to be some documents missing, whether deliberately or not isn’t known, the only documents available after 1944 was in 1946. It was speculated that during that time he was in a psychiatric ward in a Deolali hospital. These documents were often systematically destroyed because of the stigma attached to what was called Combat fatigue or mental illness, later in psychology referred to as PTS. Alan asked David  if he ever suffered with Combat Fatigue and David denied it, however he did recall an incident after the war when his young daughter walked up behind him to give him a fright. He jumped up and swung around, and in that moment his daughter said that she knew that he could have killed her. 65 years ago people didn’t talk about Combat Stress but it did exist and was very real to those who suffered from the condition.

Thomas Darling went back to Britain , to his wife and two children after being released from hospital but he wasn’t there long when after only a year as a civilian he abandoned his family. He worked for awhile in an administration position but he couldn’t handle it. He applied for a position with the Malayan police force, back to a brutal colonial war. Malay was part of the British Empire since the early 19^th century. The vast rubber and tin resources had been a huge part of the British economy. He gave up what could have been his comfort back in Britain. In 1948 Malayan communist gorilla parties started murdering the plantation managers and attacked the British businesses in a bid to overturn the British Colonial rulers. Thomas had this nice comfortable job but he chose to go back to the war in the jungle.

Many soldiers chose to go back into battle which wasn’t unusual. There is a very powerful sense of missing the intensity of the life he had in the military. Thomas went back to Malay to take over one of the villages, with the intent of combating the communist gorillas.  Surrounding the village was barbwire and entrance into the village was through check points. The purpose of the check points was to cut the terrorists off from the local population who might give them food and supplies. Almost half a million people were forced into these villages, some were secret communist sympathisers , while others were simply glad to be protected from the intimidation of the gorillas.

It was an extremely difficult position to be in because Thomas had to win over the confidence of the local people, if they didn’t like him they could easily betray him. Within 7 months Thomas Darling at the age of 35 would be dead. He died of a shot behind and level with his right ear.

Alan Cummings went to Cha-ah to find out more, this was a major hotspot for terrorist activity during the war and had to be policed by Thomas Darlings security forces. Alan tracked down Ray Sampson who knew Thomas as he was also in the Police Force at the time. Thomas had to maintain the security in the village while Roy patrolled  the surrounding jungle killing communist gorillas who were brought back to the Police to be displayed for the locals to view as a deterrent. The police were decorated for their achievements.  Thomas at that time was playing Russian roulette for quite some time and his superiors and friends knew but chose to say nothing as he was highly thought of and they chose to close their eyes to what he was doing. He was playing with the local people who really liked him and Thomas would collect when he survived the bullet.

Allan met with two of the local men whose father knew his grandfather. Thomas was a hero in their eyes. When he died they named a street and a park after him which still stands today. Thomas’ wife, Alan’s grandmother was asked if she wanted his personal belongs, which she did. His personal effects were sent to her in Britain, but she was unable to collect them from the Post Office due to lack of funds. Alan’s family did eventually recover his belongings but that is all they received because Thomas’ death was deemed not in a manner that was within the call of duty under police regulations.

Alan made the comment at the end of the program that his grandfathers death was not so shocking given his life experience at the time, the level of PTS that he must have suffered and many more soldiers who are in the military, but that we don’t value the after affects of war.

Thomas Darling was a considered a coward in the military and a hero in the local community.

To speak the truth can be painful but to remain silent can hurt even more. Alan’s grandmother and his own mother had no idea how Thomas Darling died.

NOW HOW CAN THE STORY ABOUT THOMAS DARLING HELP THE VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

1.      Often an abusive partner is charming, and extremely engaging and persuasive in the beginning. Once the victim is committed to the relationship and the abuse begins. The victim for all the reasons that are mentioned on my website may find it very difficult to leave, often being persuaded to return if she does leave. Thomas may have been attracted to the money and the excitement of the war. Remember he left and went back.

2.       Part of the reason he left his wife and children could have been that they didn’t understand him and he couldn’t be normal around them. Often when we leave an abusive relationship out friends can’t understand and we feel alienated, it just seems easier to go back to what is familiar. The abusive partner is likely to lay on the charm, promise to change etc etc.

3.      Who will suffer from PTS, some soldiers suffered worse than others and it is the same with the victims of Domestic Violence. There are many reasons for that, family history, personality type and support from friends and family after the divorce or break up of the abusive relationship.

4.      65 years ago men who struggled with Combat fatigue felt alienated and there was a stigma attached to the condition, nothing much has changed. We are often told by friends and family to ‘get over it’.

5.      Thomas started playing Russian roulette; he more than likely drank a lot or took drugs. Many victims of domestic violence also do the same thing. They might jump into another relationship far too soon, drink heavily, party hard with friends, spend money they cannot afford and some may even attempt suicide.

6.      Friends of Thomas knew what he was doing and didn’t try to stop him. Some of our friends will betray us, by remaining friends with our abusive partner, some may even have an affair with him. Some may even betray our confidence by telling our abusive partner what we are doing or thinking of doing.

7.      Thomas obviously felt isolated and alone and feared seeking further treatment.

8.      If the victim leaves she may decide to help other victims, she may speak out and break the silence. Some people will think she is a coward for exposing her abusive partner and others may consider her a hero if she leaves, stays away, starts a new life and helps others.

9.      If the victim dies at the hand of her abuser or through suicide, will people consider her a Hero or a Coward?

10.  If you are a victim then only you can decide.

Only we can decide which we are going to be.