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Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Issues of Faith and abuse.

Well it has been a long time that I have been thinking about this. When I was going through my divorce my ex husband had a very good friend who is a Christian, I don't want to mention what church he attends, that isn't important, but at the time, he called me and asked me to meet him for coffee to discuss what was going on in my marriage.
We met for coffee and for some stupid crazy reason I thought that he might be able to listen to my version of what was going on and perhaps talk to my ex in the hopes that my ex would stop being so abusive and be fair in our divorce. Well not only was I wrong but 'friend' basically told me not to be angry, to forgive my ex and to accept his offer in our divorce settlement !

We met a couple of times and I was desperate for someone who knew my husband to be a mediator... BIG MISTAKE. Trust me it will never work. Meeting with a Narcissist will only give him the opportunity to lie, degrade, slander and find every excuse or reason under the sun to prove why he is in fact the victim. So that didn't work.

I had a couple of Christian friends who certainly didn't show me any loyalty. These were friends I had known for years and who knew a lot of what I had been through, they started out as my friends not his. Their understanding of the situation and decision as to how to handle it was to sit on the fence.
Often friends don't want to side with anyone so they will continue trying to be friends with both parties - trust me that will never work either. Both parties are angry, hurting and needing support and friends unfortunately DO have to decide which friendship they want to hold onto.
It doesn't mean that they have to talk about, be mean or get involved in any way, they do have to decide where their loyalties are though.
My ex is very charismatic, and always surrounds himself with crowds of people willing to drink and party with him. He pays for most of it and of course people like a good party with lots of entertainment including live bands.
Christians will often say things like - you need to forgive him and move on. Well we know that but it takes time and when someone is trying to destroy you and your family, discrediting you and lying about you, of course forgiveness is premature.

There was a pastor once who told me that I was not being submissive! Well when one is in a controlling abusive relationship that is all you can do to avoid the abuse - be submissive. So that was a ridiculous thing to say to me.

A Christian was in my home  during the last abusive fight my ex and I had before the separation and he did nothing at all to try and stop the agression and violence from escalating, in fact he contributed a lot to the drama.

Of course all these experiences really made me question Christianity and especially Christians. I had scriptures quoted to me to justify why I was either in the wrong or not handling the situation in the correct manner.
Now at this point I must add, that I am a Christian who attended Bible School and I thought my relationship with God was pretty solid which it is, but I no longer wanted to go to church or be around Christians. For 9 years after my divorce my relationship grew stronger than ever before and I found complete peace in my faith, but I couldn't reconcile my feelings towards Christians.

During my journey to find healing, I stopped being judgemental myself. Now you are wondering, but am I not being judgemental towards Christians? Jesus himself said -Father forgive them for they know not what they do. I also have learned to fogive those Christians who in my oppinion had no idea what I had been through and was dealing with.

I was also told once by a Christian - 'Forgiveness is not complete until reconcilation has taken place'. Well that is not true either. When victim has been brutalised by an abuser, one forgives but one NEVER has to go back and be reconciled with anyone who has abused you.
Please let me make it clear, we can all be abusive, say things we don't mean, behave in ways that we no are wrong. I am not talking about that, I am talking about ABUSE.

Recently I found this website and a lot of things I read on this website really helped me and I hope it helps you as well. Please go to this link.