..........................................YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE...............................................................
THE DETAILS OF MY STORY ARE IN MY BOOK.
My therapist said that I have probably suffered with this condition most of my life, but it was undiagnosed. The first signs or symptoms started when I was about 6 years old and my mother was married to the first of 2 step fathers. Their relationship was very violent and my step fathers behaviour with me was sexually highly inappropriate, that's when my nightmares first started and have continued periodically for 60 years.
Although I 'existed' from that time onwards, I never ever felt normal. The symptoms of CPTSD plagued me my whole life, manifesting when triggered severely. Because my condition was undiagnosed no one else knew how much I struggled.
I want to share the extreme torment I went through, alone. At 18 I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide by slashing my wrists to the bone and spent time in a psychiatric hospital having shock treatment. (CPTSD went undiagnosed.) I walked out of hospital and had to hide the symptoms as best as I could, never sharing with anyone, least of all my family, the extreme struggles with nightmares, panic attacks and an eating disorder, just in case I was sent to a mental home.
My first marriage was to an extremely abusive man who became the father of my 2 oldest children. I suspect he suffered with CPTSD as well and NPD. We knew nothing of those conditions back then. He was extremely aggressive and had constant nightmares from his experiences during the war in Angola. 6 years into our marriage I was told about the physical and sexual abuse he suffered as a child and I wasn't told by him, but a relative. This explains his alcoholic, controlling, violent, jealous, lack of trust behaviour that destroyed our marriage. Huge triggers for me as this marriage was a carbon copy of my childhood experience with my step father.
Soon after my divorce I attempted suicide again, cutting my wrists again and taking an over dose to help it along. I spent a short time in a psychiatric hospital, but again CPTSD was undiagnosed. I truly believe that from that time onwards my condition was extremely severe and I just wasn't able to function like normal people.
This condition actually caused the breakdown of my second marriage and not the financial problems. I was diagnosed with Petimol Epilepsy and put on medication, which I discovered after 30 years is a mood stabiliser prescribed also for patients with PTSD. I was told I had Petimol Epilepsy, NOT CPTSD.
My third marriage and the most traumatic was to a man diagnosed with NPD. I had no idea what that was and had never heard of the condition. I suspect looking back that he had CPTSD too, the same as my first husband. 14 years of torture.
My own symptoms on a scale of 0 - 10 throughout that marriage were probably a 10. After my divorce they shot up to 20 and remained that way for 10 years. I was completely unable to function and suicide was a daily consideration.
For 63 years I had seen 5 psychiatrists, 2 neurologists, 7 psychologists, read hundreds of books like, Why am I afraid to tell you who I am, The 5 love languages, The Cindarella Complex, Co Dependent No more.... and hundreds more. I have been hospitalised 4 times, attempted suicide 4 times.
I AM SO ANGRY that for 60 years not one single doctor mentioned PTSD let alone CPTSD. Why did they not diagnose my condition?
MY CONDITION WAS CAUSED BY THE NEGLECT, SEXUAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE INFLICTED ON ME BY OTHER PEOPLE, I WAS NOT BORN THIS WAY.
Men and women have suffered and lost their lives from this condition for centuries. Well I won't harp on about that, I am grateful to be alive. I did survive. My life isn't perfect this condition has cost me dearly, but I have 3 beautiful daughters, 4 gorgeous grandchildren, 2 lovely son in laws, a handful of patient, loving understanding friends and 2 family members who have not judged me.
There has to be a GOD because He orchestrated miraculously my introduction to Dr. Annemarie Norvello who treated me for this condition for 3 years, not once a month or twice a month, but every single week. I am alive because I never gave up and neither did she, I left no stone unturned. There was no FACEBOOK GROUP in my journey to heal, but there are many groups today that offer support. Use them.
Not once in 10 years did I suppress my trauma with, denial, drugs, alcohol or new relationships, but if that's what you do, DON'T beat yourself up, this is an incredibly difficult illness to cure. Just take one day at a time, by choosing to do the right thing. Loving yourselves enough to follow through with treatment.
I share my complete story in my book LOOK ME IN THE EYE -Caryl Wyatt and I have shared my healing journey too. I pray sincerely if you are reading this, you won't give up, but that you will believe with the right treatment, you can heal your life too.
Click on the link below
Footnote: I did'nt win any prizes for being the best mother in the world, but my daughters always knew I absolutely loved and adored them enough to fight for them.
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