Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Three steps forward and two steps back!

My dream catcher is always out there waiting.

Escaping the past is not easy.

Something wonderful is about to happen and I had an urgency to make a special journal for someone very dear to me. A few days ago I made the journal and then started to document events from the beginning of my first marriage. I was hoping to make it really special and to fill it with good memories... I really have to scratch my brain and show some gratitude for the past but it is so difficult. This was a very important thing for me to undertake but I had no idea how far back the abuse in my life began.

Now that I am on my own and I have this time to heal I am so sad that my beautiful daughters were subjected to so much unhappiness.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately about positive people and their opinions about survival and the different ways that they have overcome adversity. I know that in my own case it was only by the grace of God and my own determination not to be beaten. I have more bad days than good ones unfortunately and still suffer badly with nightmares. I wish that I could have a good nights sleep... that will come... one day.

When I journal about events in the past my heart absolutely breaks to think of what my children went through and how helpless they were to change things. I feel guilty that I put them through so much. I know it wasn't my fault, I just wish I had had the strength to leave and make a better life for all of us. I am now becoming so aware of how much damage is done when we are abused. I survived because I used my external attributes to hide the pain, but now that I am getting older it is very visible on the outside what has happened on the inside... I fell like I am inside out! I still have hope though and I can only trust God that He will complete the work that He began in me, as He promised.

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