My dream catcher is always out there waiting.
Escaping the past is not easy.
Something wonderful is about to happen and I had an urgency to make a special journal for someone very dear to me. A few days ago I made the journal and then started to document events from the beginning of my first marriage. I was hoping to make it really special and to fill it with good memories... I really have to scratch my brain and show some gratitude for the past but it is so difficult. This was a very important thing for me to undertake but I had no idea how far back the abuse in my life began.
Now that I am on my own and I have this time to heal I am so sad that my beautiful daughters were subjected to so much unhappiness.
I have been doing a lot of reading lately about positive people and their opinions about survival and the different ways that they have overcome adversity. I know that in my own case it was only by the grace of God and my own determination not to be beaten. I have more bad days than good ones unfortunately and still suffer badly with nightmares. I wish that I could have a good nights sleep... that will come... one day.
When I journal about events in the past my heart absolutely breaks to think of what my children went through and how helpless they were to change things. I feel guilty that I put them through so much. I know it wasn't my fault, I just wish I had had the strength to leave and make a better life for all of us. I am now becoming so aware of how much damage is done when we are abused. I survived because I used my external attributes to hide the pain, but now that I am getting older it is very visible on the outside what has happened on the inside... I fell like I am inside out! I still have hope though and I can only trust God that He will complete the work that He began in me, as He promised.