Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Aha moment

Website for this image, worth reading.

When a person is in an abusive relationship, friends and family will always ask... but why don't you 'just' leave, why do you keep going back? Seldom can the victim, 'just' leave. Women who leave straight after the first sign of abuse are usually women with a healthy self image, they might have a strong support system i.e family and good friends, they are usually financially independent. Most victims who stay in abusive relationships have experienced abuse in childhood, do not have a healthy self image, and are not financially independent. I excluded family because sometimes abused women do have a supportive family and friends, who might not understand, become exasperated and run out of patience with the victim but they have offered to help.

When women are stuck, notice I didn't say trapped although they might feel trapped I am using the word stuck because victims often cannot understand or see a way out of the situation. Often outsiders beg the person to leave, offer to help and cannot UNDERSTAND the dynamics of abusive relationships which causes the victim to become silent about the severity of the abuse, which is why victims need therapy and support in a safe environment from professionals. Not all professionals, Lawyers, counsellors, psychologists, religious leaders etc understand abuse therefore the victim and her family have to seek out the right person who DO understand.
Abuse can happen to anyone. Website for this image.
SILENCE for the victim is wrongly perceived, as creating for themselves a safe place to survive or at least exist. Speaking out can cause more abuse by the perpetrator who will deny the abuse and outsiders who don't understand and lack compassion and they may blame the victim for what he or she has been through.

I repeat, surviving an abusive relationship goes way beyond 'just' leaving.
The link for this image.

When the victim is out of the abusive relationship, family and friends will be supportive for a time and a season and then they will EXPECT the victim to move forward with her life with forgiveness and a cheerful smile on her face. After a certain amount of time, which differs for each person, the family and friends will tire of the situation if the victim doesn't move on with her life, find a new relationship and be thankful that she is no longer trapped in the abuse. Outsiders may not understand the severity of the trauma that has been caused and become frustrated with the victim.

AHA MOMENT: In both the following situations, the VICTIM may remain silent because of FEAR. Fear of the abuser and fear of not being understood by outsiders, vulnerable to criticism.
The SURVIVOR may also become silent and withdraw, as a result of not being understood by family and friends as to why she struggles so much and can't move forward. Perhaps they cannot afford therapy and struggle to regain their financial and emotional independence and find healing. There maybe no support, financial struggles to focus on, children to take care of, and lack of understanding by the victim, as to the role she played in the abusive cycle. ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE but the victim is part of the pattern of abuse.

The dictionary translation:

1. A means of healing or restoration to health - remedy.
2. A method or course of remedial treatment as for a disease.
3. Successful remedial treatment, restoration to health.
4. Means of correcting or relieving anything that is troublesome or detrimental.

1. An event that is contrary to the established laws of nature and attributed to supernatural cause.
2. Being in or seeming a miracle: a miracle cure.

Leaving an abusive relationship is not a miracle cure. Healing will take time depending on many variable options mentioned above and depending on personality, length of time suffering the abuse and the severity of the abuse.

If you are reading this as a victim I strongly suggest that you protect yourself and join a support group and get professional help. Don't waste your time speaking to people who you KNOW will not understand you and they may hurt you even more by offering the wrong advice.
If you know someone who is a victim make the same suggestion, you may not be the right person to help, and can cause further damage forcing the victim to withdraw and become SILENT.

We are always told as victims, break the silence, speak to someone. As survivors we are told, move on with your life, be thankful the abuse has stopped and you should be happy.
If you are a friend or family member and you are becoming angry and frustrated, then encourage the victim or survivor to get help and you must step back.

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