An interesting article for you to read CLICK ON THIS LINK.

For anyone struggling with PTSD please read this blog the information is invaluable. I struggled for years and honestly thought at times I was losing my mind. This article will help you not only to identify with the symptoms but also when you know what you are dealing with you will know what to do about it. Please go to this link for more information.

Don't give up on yourself - you are worth it.

Psycopaths and Love - don't go together !

This article is a MUST READ if you are struggling to understand how you got caught in this trap, with a man who said he loved you but tore your heart into pieces. The sooner you understand the tactics the sooner you will forgive yourself and walk away.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE - Second Edition

The second edition of my book is now available. Please click on the AMAZON LINK.
Incase you are interested, for those who know me and know my love of art and my intense interest in the meaning of everything, the flower on the cover of my new book is called a Blushing Bride. The flower is part of the South African Protea family. The flower of this plant only blossoms in September and it is a difficult flower to find in florists. It is my most favourite of all flowers. The petals are tissue thin, it's exquisitly beautiful and delicate it resembles a beautiful slightly pink wedding dress.
When the flower is out of water it makes a beautiful dried flower, but ... when dried the tissue paper thin petals become quite brittle and the ends of the petals become tiny thorns.

Weddings, Oh the wedding. That one special day our lives are changed forever. If only things remained as happy in the future as they were on that day - but abuse turns the softness of our hearts into thorns.
Interesting thought, I was married in September to a man who brutalized my soul.

Issues of Faith and abuse.

Well it has been a long time that I have been thinking about this. When I was going through my divorce my ex husband had a very good friend who is a Christian, I don't want to mention what church he attends, that isn't important, but at the time, he called me and asked me to meet him for coffee to discuss what was going on in my marriage.
We met for coffee and for some stupid crazy reason I thought that he might be able to listen to my version of what was going on and perhaps talk to my ex in the hopes that my ex would stop being so abusive and be fair in our divorce. Well not only was I wrong but 'friend' basically told me not to be angry, to forgive my ex and to accept his offer in our divorce settlement !

We met a couple of times and I was desperate for someone who knew my husband to be a mediator... BIG MISTAKE. Trust me it will never work. Meeting with a Narcissist will only give him the opportunity to lie, degrade, slander and find every excuse or reason under the sun to prove why he is in fact the victim. So that didn't work.

I had a couple of Christian friends who certainly didn't show me any loyalty. These were friends I had known for years and who knew a lot of what I had been through, they started out as my friends not his. Their understanding of the situation and decision as to how to handle it was to sit on the fence.
Often friends don't want to side with anyone so they will continue trying to be friends with both parties - trust me that will never work either. Both parties are angry, hurting and needing support and friends unfortunately DO have to decide which friendship they want to hold onto.
It doesn't mean that they have to talk about, be mean or get involved in any way, they do have to decide where their loyalties are though.
My ex is very charismatic, and always surrounds himself with crowds of people willing to drink and party with him. He pays for most of it and of course people like a good party with lots of entertainment including live bands.
Christians will often say things like - you need to forgive him and move on. Well we know that but it takes time and when someone is trying to destroy you and your family, discrediting you and lying about you, of course forgiveness is premature.

There was a pastor once who told me that I was not being submissive! Well when one is in a controlling abusive relationship that is all you can do to avoid the abuse - be submissive. So that was a ridiculous thing to say to me.

A Christian was in my home  during the last abusive fight my ex and I had before the separation and he did nothing at all to try and stop the aggression and violence from escalating, in fact he contributed a lot to the drama.

Of course all these experiences really made me question Christianity and especially Christians. I had scriptures quoted to me to justify why I was either in the wrong or not handling the situation in the correct manner.
Now at this point I must add, that I am a Christian who attended Bible School and I thought my relationship with God was pretty solid which it is, but I no longer wanted to go to church or be around Christians. For 9 years after my divorce my relationship grew stronger than ever before and I found complete peace in my faith, but I couldn't reconcile my feelings towards Christians.

During my journey to find healing, I stopped being judgemental myself. Now you are wondering, but am I not being judgemental towards Christians? Jesus himself said -Father forgive them for they know not what they do. I also have learned to fogive those Christians who in my oppinion had no idea what I had been through and was dealing with.

I was also told once by a Christian - 'Forgiveness is not complete until reconcilation has taken place'. Well that is not true either. When victim has been brutalised by an abuser, one forgives but one NEVER has to go back and be reconciled with anyone who has abused you.
Please let me make it clear, we can all be abusive, say things we don't mean, behave in ways that we no are wrong. I am not talking about that, I am talking about ABUSE.

Recently I found this website and a lot of things I read on this website really helped me and I hope it helps you as well. Please go to this link.

 

Nightmares !

Something really weird happened recently, I had a nightmare about my ex husband. Thank goodness they are no where near as bad as they used to be. I seldom have nightmares anymore and even this one wasn't terrifying. I was able to turn over and just go back to sleep, but what was interesting about the dream was that he was getting married and had invited my daughters and me to the celebration ! Can't for the life of me think why I would have accepted, but we were a part of the whole event.

There were a lot of people, more than most weddings and it was a huge spectacular event, now why should that surprise anyone. But what was interesting to me was the way he went out of his way to come over to me and my family to say hello. I know his face so well, his eyes and his smile and I know when his eyes are full of hatred and his smile is sarcastic and sinister.

Why was it a nightmare? Because the look on his face was directed straight at me, the look of...'do you see what I have, all this money, hundreds of friends, glitz and glamour, and you don't.
I was filled with panic and just wanted to leave but couldn't which is when I woke up. Even in my dream I found the 'over the top' wedding sickening.
It is important for me to mention that something that annoyed me throughout our marriage was the way he showed off about his wealth without any shame, to anyone and everyone.

Last week I met one of my daughters and she told me that she had a dream about my ex, that he got married and she was at the wedding. She experienced pretty much the same thing as I did. The wedding was huge and over the top. She said to me..."Mom do you remember his eyes when he was in an absolute rage... well that is how he was looking at me in the dream".

I find it so weird that we would both had such similar dreams in the same week.

I am of the opinion that nightmares can continue for many many years and little things can trigger them, BUT slowly in time the dreams are not so terrifying. In my experience I can now wake up, realize that I am dreaming, I am safe and I can turn over and go straight back to sleep. Blissful sleep.

Married to a gay man

There are dozens of reasons men abuse women and this is another situation that I haven't had anything to do with so it was of great interest to me too. Bonnie Kaye is the most precious person I have met on the internet as far as being compassionate and supportive to women who find themselves  trapped in these relationships.
Please go to her blog Bonnie Kaye Gay Husbands, quite an education and we need to empower ourselves as women by understanding all aspects of abuse.

5 DUCKS Demonstrated

 

From Birth - 3 years

4 - 9 years

10 - 13 years

13 - 18 years

19 ....

As an adult in control of our emotional responses to conflict, it might be appropriate to respond with one of these reactions but when we are NOT OK, we often resort to what we THINK works for us and which can become our down fall.
As an artist I am a visual person so when this was explained to me in therapy, I immediately went out and bought 5 ducks and a Mama Duck. When I am confronted with highly stressful situations I am immediately aware of what my response used to be and am able to choose to respond differently.
I am not for one minute saying I have mastered this, but had I known this 20 years ago I think I could have saved myself a whole lot of extra heart ache.
Read the article by Pete Walker it will all make perfect sense.
PLEASE SEE THE LINK BELOW

5 Ducks

While doing some research on CPTS -Complex Post Traumatic Stress I came upon this website with an incredible article that I think all victims of domestic violence should read. Please do yourself a favour when you have some time and read this article.Pete Walker Article

This is part of the therapy that I myself worked through with a Trauma Doctor and found incredibly helpful. It is never too late to learn about ourselves and make the necessary changes to bring about the life we were meant to live.

The treatment that I went through for almost a year I refer to as the 5 Ducks. My therapist had a slightly different way of presenting it which was quite fun.

The 5 Ducks:
Flight, Fight, Freeze, Submit and Attach.

Attachment:  0 - 3 years   - Cry for help
Desperate, craves rescue & connection, sweet, charming, dependent, childlike
Submit:         4-  9 years   - Ashamed
Depressed, ashamed, self loathing, passive, 'good girl', caretaker
Freeze:         10- 13 years   - Terrified
Frozen, terrified, wary, phobic of being seen, agoraphobic, reports panic attacks
Fight:          13 - 18 years   - Distancer
Distancer, runner, ambicalent, cannot commit, addictive behaviour
Flight:         19 -      and upwards   - Bodyguard
Angry, mistrustful, self destructive, devaluing, impulsive, suicidal

My therapist explained that at the specific age from 0 - adulthood we typically react to stressful, painful, dangerous, or threatening situations with the responses above. By the time we reach adulthood we have worked out our own way of coping and surviving but not necessarily worked out the healthy way to react.
Many victims of domestic violence come from a traumatised background as do the perpertrators, so it stands to reason that The Dance Macabre is about the way we react with one another within the abusive relationship.

PLEASE READ THE ARTICLE TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE 5 DUCKS WORK AND HOW WE CAN RECOGNISE OUR OWN BEHAVIOUR AND MAKE THE NECESSARY CHANGES.

True Recovery From A Psychopath

I seldom make any comments on my blog anymore but that doesn't mean I don't care. In my own recovery I no longer have the need to pour my heart out. My life is happy, and my mental health is back to normal and has been for some time. I will be sharing more on the 'journey back to self', but for now there is a blog that I think you might enjoy where other people who are still struggling to heal and get their lives back, make sense of where things all went wrong. There is some wonderful information on this blog.

TRUE RECOVERY FROM A PSYCHOPATH.  My book is still available if you would like a copy please contact me via my website or contact me on Facebook.

Stay strong.
Caryl

First Chapter of my book.

If you would like to read the first chapter from my book you will find it here. There are sometimes books available from Amazon but if you can't find one, you can still buy one here. Click on the right side Pay Pal button.

39 Photos of Domestic Violence in Action

Few people understand the nature of Domestic Violence. Most people who have never experienced it, cannot understand why anyone would stay.  These photos are shocking but REAL. Maggie was able to leave before it was too late, but many are not so lucky.

Oscar Pistorius

I haven't made any comments about the case because none of us know what happened and without peculating as to whether he is guilty or not of premediated murder it would be wrong for me to form an oppinion.

At this early stage of the investigation I would perfer to keep my thoughts and oppinions to my self.

Chapters from LOOK ME IN THE EYE

The things you find on the internet ! If you would like to read a couple of chapters from my book LOOK ME IN THE EYE you can find them here. Although my book is no longer available in stores here in South Africa someone told me the other day that she got a copy on Etsy, who would have known. I believe you can also get them on Amazon second hand books.
But if you can't find a copy we still have stock. Click on the PAY PAL button on the right.

My story is just one of thousands, women all over the world have contacted me in the past 8 years and the similarity of our stories is astonishing. The most wonderful news for you, is that one day, you will get your life back, you will be happy and he will not even be a memory in your distant past.

There was a time in my own life when my ex was second to God if not sometimes first, he no longer features in my thoughts, my conversations or my nightmares... he has ceased to exist. I share my story not to make money from my troubled past but to shine a light for those still in darkness and denial.

Help !

In the past 8 years I have read almost every single book there is to read on healing from an abusive relationship and I have searched as much as possible on the internet to understand why anyone would want to abuse another person, even though I have been guilty myself.

The guilt I have for the way I treated my children at times kills me. I know from first hand experience that when we are trapped in abusive relationships we are so busy trying to survive ourselves that our children are often on the receiving end of our neglect or our inability to protect them against witnessing the abuse. There are even times when we may abuse our children as well. Please don't get me wrong I am not a violent person at all but during the 25 years of my own abuse there were times when I took it out on my children. I consider myself to be EXTREMELY patient and it takes a lot for me to lose control... but there were times when I did lose it and looking back I am so sorry for some of the things that happened. My children have forgiven me, they knew what I was going through and they have also apologised for pushing my buttons when I was going through so much at the time. They didn't need to ask for forgiveness... we were all victims.

Thank goodness I have educated myself and done everything possible to understand the relationship between he abuser and his or her victim which is why I try to share as much information as I can with people who go to my website and those of you who come to my blog.

For some more info please click on this link.

Narcissism Revisited

Dr Sam Vaknin wrote the forward in my book and had I not discovered his book Malignant Self Love 8 years ago I would never have understood the two men in my life who were Narcissists. I have a link on my website to Dr Sam but I found this site today and I thought I would share it with you. There are several very interesting videos with Dr Sam himself as well as other Psychologists who understand this condition. You can find the video's here. I would suggest that you take the time to watch them they are very informative.

So often holidays and special occassions like Birthdays are completely ruined by the Narcissist watch the video by Dr Sam, he explains whay they do this.