Be kind to yourself this Christmas.

Day Sixteen

Imagine that life is a journey from A to B and it is one loooo..ng road. You and I both know that the scenery changes on route and sometimes the journey gets a little boring and sometimes things don't go well and we might take a wrong turn.
Without a map and signposts we are likely to get horribly lost. Sometimes we might be forced to take a detour because of road works ahead, we might stop for lunch or sleep over somewhere, but one thing is for sure we are going from A to B.
Life isn't any different we have good experiences and bad, we meet nice people and those who we wish we never had. We make mistakes along the way but if we are going to get from A to B emotionally strong we have to look carefully at all the decision we are making along the way. At any point in the journey we can reassess if this is in fact where we want to go and if not we can make plans to change course.

The thought I want to share with you today on the last day is this. To know where we want to go we need a very real picture in our minds. When we make time to collect photo's, write quotes and do anything that will make the picture clearer in our minds we then have to prepare the way forward for that journey.
There is nothing worse than being told you are going to a destination that doesn't excite you. Imagine that your thoughts are the vehicle that is going to get you to where you want to be and you are the driver. You have to recognise when the vehicle is going off track, taking you on a journey of negitivity, fear, anxiety and YOU have to steer it back on the right course.
I have learned very well in the past 7 years how to do that. PTS was killing me and memories tormented me for years. I had constant nightmares and anxiety hit me hard throughout the day. When I learned how to retrain my mind and the journey it wanted to take me 24/7 I made conscious choices how to take my mind in a different direction.
1. I journalled a lot in the beginning about what I had been through but then I changed the content of my journals and started to write about what I wanted for my life and my family and I would get really excited about it. I cute out hundreds of photo's from magazines and pasted them into my journals.
2. I stopped looking at old photo's. My ex husband destroyed all my photo albums but I still had a lot some on my computer. I put them into folders and made my self a promise I would not look at them for a year.
3. When I found myself getting depressed and sad I paid attention to what exactly it was that I was thinking and I changed it instantly, by reading something positive, changing the TV chanel, listened to the music I liked and consciously took me mind on a dirrent path.
4. I had many years of sleepless nights and didn't ever think I would return to normal. I went out and bought books with happy stories and read for at least an hour before sleeping. Slowly I could feel my brain beginning to change the direction it had always been on, read up on Neurolinguistic Programing I mentioned it yesterday. IT ABSOLUTELY WORKS. Your brain doesn't have a clue what it is doing half the time, you have to drive it to where you want it to be. You have to direct it with your INTENTIONS. Read spiritual books of your choice they will redirect your thinking.
5. I strongly recommend that you learn to play a game on your cellphone which is what was recommended to me by a trauma counsellor I saw in 2011. She explained that when you can't stop thinking or worrying about something, like for example if I said, don't think of a pink elephant, immediately you will think of it. Playing a game on our computer or cellphone cuts off the neurological path way to the pink elephant.
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE DRIVER BEHIND YOUR THOUGHTS  Of course if you are in the middle of a crisis, you will have to think about it... survival will demand your attention, but then you have to steer your thoughts towards LIVING FREE of this constant danger.

I hope these 16 Days of Inspiration have helped and motivated you to take control of your life and helped you to see and believe there is another way of living unlike the way you might be living right now.

My earnest prayer is that anyone who comes to this blog, will be blessed and that God will help you to seek the answers you are searching for and that He will give you the courage to take the first steps to the future you deserve.

Love Caryl
If you would like to contact me you can email me at carylw3@mweb.co.za

Day Fifteen

 

 

 

Derek Rydall is an actor, song writer, script writer and so much more. He is also the founder of the program THE LAW OF EMERGENCE. I thought I would share some of his wisdom today. We all know about the Law of Abundance from the well publicised book The Secret. Derek has a different theory and that is that with the Law of Abundance we are always coming from a position of lacking in the things we really dream about and wish for in life.
THE LAW OF EMERGENCE is about having everything we could ever want and finding ways to prepare the conditions that are perfect for us to receive and manifest what is in our destiny.
I highly recommend that you go to his website and read up on this, it all makes perfect sense and I believe it could change your life.
I am working with his program at the moment and of all the modalities I have studied over the years this makes the most sense to me.
When I saw this picture above on a website today it made me think of exactly what he teaches, we can pull ourselves up from the inner core of our being and live the lives we want and deserve, leaving the old self behind and becoming who we know we really are.

 

 

 

 

Day Fourteen

This is either the best time of the year or the worst, for some. Well I would imagine that if you are here, then the Christmas holidays could possibly be quite stressful. I know it is hard and I honestly know how tough it can be pretending that everything is fine when it's not.

During my very abusive marriage  and over the Christmas period, I was never being truthful to myself. I always had hope that things would change and that the New Year would be different but it never was. This is usually the time of the year when we put ourselves under pressure. We have worked through one year and have huge fears that the New Year will be more of the same.

Be kind to yourself and treat this as your own special time. Of course there is a lot going on around us, but deep down within your soul focus on being positive. Believe that you have what it takes to be happy and that the future is in you hands. Be the bigger person by doing all that you can to keep the PEACE.

Buy yourself a lovely diary and write beautiful, inspiring quotes throughout your diary every day if you can. Don't allow yourself to think negatively, be hopeful that this too will pass and don't skimp on your VISION for the future.

Oh and one more thing, do you know anything about NLP, if you don't please try to make some time in the New Year to read up on it. It will change your life and the way you perceive things.

xxx

 

 

 

Day Thirteen

One of my many passions is reading, though I am not fond of reading fiction. My fascination has always been for autobiographies, true stories of adventure and self help and healing books. I am quite sure I have read a good 90% of self help books, starting in my late teens with the book The Power of Positive Thinking, which has deep roots in my psyche.

As a troubled teenager my father paid for me to do a Dale Carnegie course which included How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, How to Win Friends and Influence People and a course in Public Speaking. He made a bargain with me, if I finished the course he would pay for it, if I didn't, I would have to pay him back... I finished the course and won two Public Speaking awards, which I was very proud of. Who could ever have known how many times in my life I would be called on to address an audience and eventually become a public speaker!

The How to Stop Worrying and start living principles have remained with me throughout my life. One thing I remember vividly is standing in front of an audience much older than myself with directors of companies. We were asked individually what we were worried about? Strange how nothing ever changes. Fear of not finding the right marriage partner, not having enough money, not being able to get out of debt, not being able to have children, not being able to find a job.
We all seem to worry about the same things. We were given strategies to overcome those fears and when all else fails I am reminded of that time in my life.

I have read all the books like, Why am I afraid to tell you who I am, Men are from Venus, Women are from Mars, Your Erogenous Zones, The Four Agreements, Love Addiction, Women who run with wolves, Co- Dependent no more, The Cinderella Complex, and and and.
I have listened to hundreds of Dr.Phil and Oprah programs. I have been on many workshops, Inner Healing, World Alive,  How to Love the Life you are Living, Family Constellations, Hypnotherapy, Psychologists and and and. I have enjoyed meditation and sound baths all this over a 40 year period. Of course there were benefits in all those books and workshops or I doubt I would be here today, BUT if there is one thing I know for sure.... as Oprah would say... Change begins and ends with ME.

For many years I was depressed about my parents divorce, my mothers drinking problems and emotional distance, my step fathers abuse, my troubled teenage years, my abusive husbands and my own fear and loneliness. But I had more power to manage my life and choices than I could ever have imagined.

My views may not be the same as yours, but I will share them anyway. I truly believe that life is just a journey of lessons I chose for myself. We all have a different path to walk, different dreams and expectations and within the framework of what we want in life so we will be presented with the challenges in order to succeed in what we want, much like the person who wants a streamlined body has to go through heavy training to acquire the body, of the picture on the fridge! Nothing comes easily. Not a perfect body, perfect marriage, successful business or happiness. We work at it.

One thing I have always done and I am so glad I did was to read and re read positive quotes. We are what we think we are, so storing quotes and scriptures in my heart has been an essential tool for surviving all the tough things I have been through.

ADVICE: Avoid asking advice from anyone who hasn't been there. Do the work yourself, read what will strengthen your faith, talk to a professional person or share with someone who has survived and is thriving.
Meditate on a Life of Abundance and DON'T think you don't deserve it.

Day Twelve- Gratitude

So often we spend so much time fighting and struggling to get through 24 hours in the day that we forget to be GRATEFUL. I thought today I would share Valerie's art work which is always so inspiring. This is a perfect example of how to focus on the good things and to have a positive VISION and attitude for the future.
If you are not artistic don't let that stop you from creating your own vision and affirmations. Cut out pictures from magazines, write quotes and stick them on your desk. Keep focusing on what you do want and not on what you don't want.
GRATITUDE IS A MAGNET THAT ATTRACTS ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE.

 

Day Eleven

For most of you who visit this blog, I am quite sure I am a lot older than you possibly and I hope a little wiser looking back on my own journey.  I want to share with you the importance of being Grateful for all your life experiences, they are leading you into a wonderful place of growth, self acceptance and self love.
Many people around the world have been through the most terrible childhood, they have had everything that could go wrong has gone wrong and yet they have come out on the other side strong, successful and beautiful people.  I want to encourage you to read autobiographies of people you admire, written between the lines will always be messages for you to help you on your journey.
Could you contemplate for just a moment that you are were you are today because of your own choices and in the choices we have made we are learning our greatest lessons. Try not to see those choices as one big disaster but rather  the opportunity to say.... I am learning a lot and I am grateful for the lessons.
You are fearfully and wonderfully made and there is a purpose for your life and your experiences, ask God to show you how and where He wants to use you, that you can be a Blessing to others.
Don't see the locked door of a victim but rather the open door to wonderful opportunities in the future. What is your vision for your future? Do you even have one?

Make it your mission to have a vision for your future, keep a journal and cut out pictures, write quotes collect anything and everything that will make that vision a reality.  

Day Ten

One of the greatest gifts anyone can give to you is ACCEPTANCE. Think about this. No one in history has had or ever will have your finger prints, no one will ever have your DNA... now digest that for a moment. If that doesn't make you believe in your uniqueness, fearfully and wonderfully made, than I don't know what will. That is amazing information.
Now that you know this is true, how can anyone anywhere in the world be you? So, you have a contribution to make into this world, the world needs you, your experience and your love, don't throw it away.
Abuse is nothing more than a lesson, that we have chosen. When we spend our entire energy thinking about what someone else is doing to us, we miss the opportunity of growing into everything we are meant to be. If we can just stop for a moment and ask ourselves the question...not he is doing this or that... but rather... what am I supposed to be learning in all of this?
When we can ask that question we shift the energy of defensiveness into the energy of openness. Why would anyone want to spend their lives protecting themselves, holding back, shutting off, shutting out? You know that you deserve more. To receive love you have to be willing to give it and how can you give it when someone is abusing you.

My message to you today, is to ask the question, 'what do you think you deserve?'. Write down 10 things that you think you deserve in a relationship, and then ask yourself, 'Do I honour the people around me with the same love and respect that I expect from them?'
If you can answer yes to that question is it possible that your lesson is to say NO to the people who don't honour and respect you in the same way. Only you can bring about the change.

Love and respect the person you are, if you have done and said things you are not proud of, ask for forgiveness and don't forget to forgive yourself, but don't live with guilt it will destroy relationships.

Have a happy, loving day :o)

Day Nine Surviving

Surviving is a silent protest against injustice.

 

Create a life that is worth living you deserve it.

In the past 20 years I have known many women who were in abusive relationships, so I can speak with experience :o) I wish you could meet some of those women today. They made choices to end the abuse and have subsequently remarried and are living very happy peaceful lives.

To mention just a few of them so that you will relate to how tough it was. One particular lady I am thinking of, her husband finally did her a favour and left her, or should I say he abandoned her, leaving her homeless, in debt and with two small children. Today she lives in a beautiful mansion with the most magnificent garden, roses and waterfalls, with a husband who adores her and two very happy children. The only thing missing for the children is news from their father. He left the country and no one has heard from him since.

Another person I know was in a violent relationship. Her husband eventually burned their house down. She was pregnant with her second child and from the moment she had her baby it was time to start a new life. Today she is married also to a wonderful man who loves her, respects her and is kind to her children. They have everything anyone could ever want in life but most importantly she is safe and so are her children.

Person number 3 was married to an agressive emotionally abusive man who neglected her and their two children. Today she is married to a man and has been for almost 20 years. Many years ago we shared a flat together and we were both as poor as church mice. Today she is married to a wonderful man. She has a wonderful life, 3 sons one of them with her second husband and life has been extremely good to them all.

 

Focus on what you want and reach for the stars, you will find they are not as far away as you believe.

Day Eight- Set yourself FREE

My daughter shared this photo on Facebook this morning which I thought was beautiful. When I saw this photo I had two thoughts.

1. Translates to me as someone bursting with JOY.

2. Anger building up that it blows your own head off.

3. Anger building inside of us and being transformed into love that flies out of us into the world and the people around us.

 

It is all about interpretation. Throughout the year I receive dozens of emails asking for help. Each and every email explains sometimes in great detail what their partner has done and is till doing. I did that too for many years. NOTHING is going to change his behaviour, or hers but you CAN do something about yours.

How long will we weep and curl up into a ball as a victim?

 

Last night I was watching a program on TV called 'Scared Straight'. Rebellious teenagers being taken into prisons to be shown what prison life is like if they don't make some serious changes.

Towards the end of the program the teenagers all stood in a line and going down the line they were asked a similar question "why do you do the things you do?"

 

Going down the line these were some of the responses.

 

My mother is a heroin addict.

My mother doesn't understand me.

My mother's boyfriend screams at me all the time.

My mother doesn't care what I do.

My mother, my mother, my mother ! Not once did I hear any of these girls speak about their fathers!

More than likely these mothers themselves grew up being abandoned, abused, neglected with addictive parents! But all these girls wanted was a normal loving healthy MOTHER.

 

We as mothers have a huge responsibility to make the right choices, to do what ever it takes to protect our children. I have had huge struggles with two of my daughters and no amount of me thinking... I WISH THEY UNDERSTOOD how hard life has been for me, has helped.

I have had a very hard life and if you are in an abusive relationship, you more than likely have had it hard too.

Look in the mirror and deal with your past. Forgive those who need your forgiveness, don't allow the anger and pain to build up inside of you. BELIEVE that you are worth more, you count, you are precious in God's sight and you can be what ever you choose to be.

 

Talk to your children especially if they are teenagers. Tell them you are sorry you have messed up and will do what ever it takes to turn things around. Be a mother that your children can respect and trust.

 

I made huge mistakes other than just being a victim, but I will talk about that tomorrow.

Choose to be happy one day at a time.

 



Day Seven

It is very easy as a victim of Domestic Violence to focus all our energy and accusations on the abuser. ABUSE IS NO EXCUSE and this is not about the wrongfulness of abuse.
Right and wrong decisions are made by both abuser and victim and in order to turn our lives around we need to take a good hard look at ourselves, which is difficult in the midst of violence, but we have to take responsibility for some of the choices we have made and are still making.

If you stay you have to accept responsibility for making that choice, if you want to leave you need to make the right choice for both you and your children if you have them. I am the first to admit that as long as we are saying, 'I can't leave' we give away what little power we do have. Of course there will be financial difficulties and a long road ahead but when you make the decision you will find that the doors begin to open, you just have to see them and do the right thing.

Domestic Violence incapacitates us to think clearly, which is why my advice today is to make the time to meditate. Five minutes of meditation will rejuvinate your spirit and will help you to think clearly. Be kind to yourself, take personal responsibilty for your future. You have more power than you think.

        MEDITATION BRINGS MORE CLARITY AND ADDS GRACE TO OUR ACTIONS.

 

Day Six

December is supposed to be Festive and a time to look back on the year and be excited to meet up with family and loved ones to Celebrate Christmas, but statistics show that break ups are high during this time of the year and I don't know why. I have my own ideas about that. Throughout the year when we are struggling with an abusive relationship by the end of the year we are emotionally exhausted. During the year there are brief moments of separation which is a relief. Sometimes we are able to talk to family or friends about what is going on, but in December we are often forced to spend more time than usual with our abuser.

As women we have romantic ideas of being loved, admired, and respected and Christmas often high lights the truth, we aren't loved and respected. We have to spend time with other people who look happier than we are and reality hits us in the chest.

Spending a lot of time together when there are children is hard work in December and we are already feeling emotionally empty.

Don't slip into the big black hole. Look at this time positively and reward yourself with how far you have come. Make a decision to do something every day that makes you happy. Walk on the beach if you are going to the coast. Walk in the country do everything you can to take a walk and breathe.
Believe the possibilities of your dreams and don't give up.  Decide what you are going to do with your life and put the plan into action. Think about the New Year with enthusiasm. The only thing that can and will defeat you if you let it, is your own mind.

December is a time to reflect and a time to plan for the future, don't miss the opportunity.
Try your best not to engage in heavy drinking. Keep your head about you.
Most of all BE KIND to yourself.

Journals

 

 

 

These are just a few journal pages from some of my journals. I literally have dozens of journals. Some of them are bought and  I use them to write how I am feeling or what I am thinking at any given point in time, others are art journals that I make, where I might write something I am thinking at the time or I might just write a quote, all depends on my mood.
Eezy Peezy Journals

Day Five: Why Journal

How long will it take?

In the past 7 years I think that is the one question that I am asked over and over again.
How long will it take to get a restraining order.
How long will it take before the divorce is final.
How long did it take you to get over X person, or how long did you fel depressed, in pain etc.
How long will it take for me to meet the right person.

We all want to know how long things take. My example has always been, stitches are removed in 10 days, a bone takes 6 weeks to mend, a head ache can take 20mins with medication but a broken heart can take for ever.

Thoughts create feelings and feelings cause reactions and behaviour so we need to really understand what we are thinking. There is so much information on the internet about changing the way we think, but I am not going to talk about that here. One thing I have done for many many years is to keep a journal.
Think about it, our minds are filled with thoughts and who knows if what we are thinking is the truth? One way of checking to see if what you are thinking makes sense or even if it is the truth, is to keep a journal. So often when we write our thoughts down we are able to see things from a different perspective.
Try not to spend hours and hours of wasted time and energy talking to people who have no idea of what you have experienced and even if they do, they aren't qualified to tell you what decisions to make or how to feel. You are the best person for that job.

The point that I am making her is not to answer how long it will take for legal matters to be resolved, I have no idea, but when it comes to the question how long will it take to heal the past, my answer would be that is entirely up to you. Journaling is a wonderful way to get insight into your own mind and feelings which is why I always recommend journaling as part of your healing process.

For some more information on keeping a journal you can click on this link.
Write about the things you can remember about your childhood and your parents.
Write about your feelings and what people have done to you both good and bad.
Keep a record about your therapy sessions and the insight that you get from reading, progams you might watch on TV, things people might say, most important are the aha moments you have when you are writing.
Highlight all the positive things.
Write quotes on pieces of paper and put them on your fridge, bathroom mirror, next to your bed.

FOCUSING ON THE RESULT THAT YOU WANT AND NOT ON WHAT YOU DON'T WANT

Day Four Journey to the Temple

She knew it was time to take the JOURNEY TO THE TEMPLE which was deep in the forest. Surrounded by nature in all its glory and the presence of God.
Kneeling quietly she asked God to remove her anger wipe away her tears and reveal to her why she could not find true love and acceptance.
He asked of her first to write down what people have done to hurt, harm and disappoint her. She sat for a long time writing down every detail from what she could remember. He then said..'there is more'.
She found it hard to remember everything but slowly she wrote what she could recall. When she had finished writing God asked her to take the paper and place it on the alter where it began to burn.

God asked her to breathe deeply, to quiet her mind and heart and begin to write down everything she had ever done to hurt and harm someone else, even when it wasn't intentional. No if's no but's. She began to write and the page filled with memories, words spoken, reactions and behaviours flooded her mind and her heart began to ache and the tears began to flow. God said..'there is more'.
One page turned into three and then four... and God said, 'when you finish, place those pages on the alter, which she did and they began to burn.

He wrapped His arms around her with Love that filled ever cell in her body and said,
"when you leave the Temple  go back into the world, you are free of guilt and condemnation and the chains that bind you have been removed. Guilt, anger, fear, distrust and unforgiveness will no longer be a part of you. You will know the the Truth and it will set you free."

 

Day Three

The Journey

 

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice,

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with it's stiff fingers

at the very foundations.

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night.

and the road full of fallen

branches stones.

But little by litte.

as you left their voices behind.

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do...

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver